When I saw my sister in that coffin two short weeks ago, something wasn't right, well a lot of things weren't right, but this one thing I just couldn't put my finger on until this morning. That wasn't my sister in that coffin. There was a body there, but my sister was gone. I didn't feel that she was there. It was just a body but a body no longer being used. She had left and now I don't know where to find her and I really need to find her. I don't know where to look, someone needs to help me, I've really got to find her. And don't tell me she's in her kids, or in her friends or any of that kind of bullshit. I want her not what she left in other people. That' is one of those lame answers. It's supposed to comfort me, but it doesn't. I don't want to see the "legacy" she left - I want her.
I'm so lonely inside. It seems she's pulling farther away and she needs to come back, I want to find her but I don't know where to look for her. No one sees my pain. I'm guessing they think there shouldn't be any pain now. But they don't know, they don't get it. Or they tell me it will get better. No, it won't get better. She's gone, it is what it is, but nothing is going to make that better.
My anger the past two weeks has been directed at other people, I find that shifting now to Jackie. Why didn't she go to the doctor that morning? Maybe the clot was too big and it was too late anyway, but how do we know, she didn't go.
I wanted to go first, because if I went first I wouldn't be left with all this pain now. Selfish of her, always having to be the first. That's what happens with the oldest.
I just wish I could find her. Does anyone know where she is?
