This week has not been good. The thoughts have been controlling me. I understand it's because I am letting them control me. But I don't seem to have the energy to fight them.
I don't want to be alive. I'm tired. It seems like I just went through this and it's coming back stronger and stronger every time.
When I try to tell people they don't understand. Or they are afraid and don't know what to do.
I don't want to go to the hospital. I hate the hospital. They say you have rights while you are there, but you don't. They tell you what to do and when to do it. They take the control away from you. Then when they feel you are no longer a danger to yourself they let you go. Really no better or worse than when you got there.
Oh, deep forever sleep. I wonder what it's really like. Are you just "gone". Is there something after this? Do you come back but with a worse life then you just lived because you killed yourself. That great unknown. I think that's what stops most of us. Too scared to find out.
Well I did get through another day. An accomplishment of sorts. Let's see what tomorrow brings.
It's Friday, July 16, 2010. I don't know why it seems important to put the date down, but it does. I'm feeling very isolated today. Most of this week I've felt bad in the morning and got better as the day goes on. Today it's the opposite. I was ok this morning but am feeling more depressed and abandoned as the day continues. There's a part of me that wants to leave work, but I know it's better to stay here, be productive and maybe that will become my focus. Not dying or wanting to die or wishing I could die.
When I'm like this I wish someone would take control for me, but they don't. I have to do it myself. There's a lot of anxiety building today.
I have a weekend of things to do. Little things, cleaning, sewing, just the usual stuff, but like last weekend it probably won't get done. I have the best intentions, but then all I want to do is sleep. Sleep is nice. Sleep is calming. Nothing good or bad happens while I'm sleeping - no worries, no responsibilities, just sleep. Next thing I know it's Sunday night and all those things I had intentions on doing won't get done.
Or if someone wants me to do something with them and I say no, they think it's because I don't want to do it with them when it's really I just don't want to do it. And I really hate it when people try to make me guilty when I say no. That's not good either.
Rather than put my bathing suit on last night and go in the pool I went and layed in bed instead. It was just so much easier. I just didn't have the energy to change. And maybe one of the neighbors would see me, I don't want to see any neighbors. They'll want to talk to me. I don't like talking to people. Well I wouldn't say that. I talk to people, if they come to me first. I don't like seeking people out for conversations. But even then sometimes I just don't want to talk to the neighbors.
No comments:
Post a Comment