Random Thoughts...

When I'm driving somewhere or just thinking (of which I'm accused of doing too much of), I can come up with so many things to write about. But when it comes to sitting here, keyboard ready I freeze up. What happened to all those witty things I was going to write. All that advice I wanted to share? Maybe I just have too much in my head and it all wants to get out at the same time.


People think they've understood what I've gone through.  Sorry,no you don't.  I don't even understand half of what I've gone through.  So you've had a random thought here and there.  Maybe you cut or burn or yourself just to see what it's like.  Or maybe you've gone through more treatment than I have.  But we're all different.  I can understand some of what you've been through  but I don't know what led up to your illness grabbing a hold of you just as I don't understand how mine grabbed a hold of me.  That's for science to figure out and while they have seen the difference, they don't understand the differences anymore than you and I.

 I've recommended ths blog to several people.  Actually I accidentally included a few people on faceblook I didn't mean to, but I figured most people ignore those kinds of posts anyway. Right?

So at this point, who sees it sees it.  It's not like I haven't already heard that soft talking behind my back "shh do you know what she's done".   Or when I hear one person ask another how I am, it always "she's good".  Because we wouln't want to speakthe truth now.  How would that reflect on the person being asked?  That it's somehow their fault?

I'm classified as severely depressed.  Also been told I have Borderline Personality Disorder, Bi-Polar or just Severe Depression with suicidal tendancies.  This means I can't just take a few drugs and call you in the morning.  In fact drugs are not cures.  Never have been never will be.  Drugs can help control the "situation".  They can help level out hormone levels in your brain.  But they are not going to cure you.  And for the majority of people  they do absolutely nothing.  So don't believe all these tv commercials you see.  That little frown with the rain doesn't suddenly turn to bright skies and a yellow smiley face.  I had those commercials.  It's amazing how people feel if you put it on TV people will believe it.

You know sometimes I am just so tired. Getting out of bed is a struggle, but I do it (most days).  Because if I don't do it, well it'll be all the easier the next day not to do it.

Now crying - that's good.  At least I'm releasing emotions instead of holding them in.  But crying makes people uncomfortable too.

Cutting myself to relieve the pain.  Sorry that one makes people uncomfortable too, so not a good thing for everyone else.

And yes, there are many days, too many days, when I think why can't I just die right now.  Why can't the pain just leave me.

I've tried every treatment, program, doctor, medicine that's been offered to me and yet where am I?  Some days feeling worse than the day this plague hit me.  I just want to go home, if I only knew where home was.

Because staying here just seems like I'm diappointing a whole lot of people.