I've had this drummed into my head. Along with thoughts are not facts. So why does is seem like they are? Right now they are screaming END IT, DO IT, You Don't Need to Be Here Anymore.
I know it's wrong, I know I shouldn't feel this way. Most people don't. So why me? Why all the time? I'm so tired of fighting. It just wears you out. I cry, I rumenate. What can I do. And then I have no energy to do it.
And all the people I'd be letting down. So what do I do? Why can't anyone stop it?
IT'S NOT FAIR I TELL YOU!!! Years, and years of this. It comes, it goes, it comes back stronger.
So I work with the skills I've been taught, but you know what, sometimes skills suck.
And then there's that age old question. What will I find after? Will there just be this big nothing, I just stop to exist? Is there an afterlife? Will I be able to see the people I love? And what about them? Have I just caused them great harm for the rest of their lives. A person can't take that much responsiblity on themself. It's too much. That responsiblity alone just rips me apart.
You know if there is a God, and I'm not saying I know if there is or not, why would he do something like this to a person. What kind of fucken test is this? Why me? I don't want to do this anymore. I'm so tired of fighting. I don't want to do it anymore. Let someone else fight.
When will it finally be over?
September 11, 2010
When will this finally be over?
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