The Cutter

Been around any high school kids lately? A strange phenomenon has taken place. Kids these days cut themselves. Most aren't serious and it seems more of a fad than anything else. But don't be fooled, there are serious cutters out there. How do I know? Well at age 40 I became a cutter.

Now the "proper" term is self injury. That could be anything from cutting, burning, hitting and a list of other methods to physically hurt oneself. But why would anyone do this? It may amaze some people but there is both a physical and mental release to it. Your emotions become so wound up that you feel like you're going to burst. And making that one cut, or many cuts, releases the tension and moves you back down to a place where you can manage your emotions again.

I already know this paragraph is going to be extremely disturbing to some but it's the truth.  I remember the delicious relief I felt with each cut. The sense of calm as the blood ran down my arm or leg. The release of all that was bothering me, released by me, of me. As short a time that it was, for me it worked. And I didn't just scratch, I went for the vein.  I wanted to see that blood shoot out.  And I would continually poke that same vein for days with a pin to get the blood back flowing.  A lot of the time the bruise it would cause would blend in with my skin.  Other times it didn't.  That's when I had to deal with the consciences.  Some people were repulsed that I could do such a thing.  There was name calling, accusations.  It was not a pleasant time.  Certain people looked at me with disgust.  I actually had a psychiatrist tell me at the time that if I cut myself she would refuse to treat me.  Such arrogance on her part.  So much for healing the sick.  Needless to say I never bothered to visit that woman again.

For many there was just no understanding. The idea of purposely hurting oneself was just so foreign an idea to them.  And that doing it made me feel better?  We don't always understand the actions of others but what right do they have to judge us.  Was I cutting them? 

I did meet people who had empathy for what I was doing.  It pained them to see me hurting myself.  They genuinely wanted to help me.  It is the people closest to me that didn't or wouldn't understand.  But then how could they. They weren't in my head, they didn't understand my thinking, my rationale, my right to relieve the pressure and pain any way I could. They didn't understand I had no other release but the release from within myself.

And no this isn't a suicidal tendency and I wasn't doing it for attention.  And I am sooooo tired of that doing it for attention shit.  There are still many in the medical field who think this.  They refuse to educate themselves. Especially people working in emergency rooms.  So many people don't get the help they need because of the medical communities ignorance and/or hostility towards them.

You will find most cutters to be woman - mostly in their teens and 20's, but I have met woman older than that (hey I didn't start until 40).  I was actually surprised to find out how many there are out there.  These aren't people who just scratch the skin.  These are deep cuts, as deep as the wounds inside us.  And remember, scar tissue doesn't tan, so these leave scars to remind us of our stories the rest of our lives.  And we all have a story, each different than the others but all with the common bond.  We just want the pain to go away.

And the relief it brings is only temporary.  We all know it's just a matter of time before you need to do it again.

I've read quite a few books on this subject and other psychological disorders and there is one book that I can  highly recommend for anyone who is a cutter.  The book was recommended to me by a very kind psychiatrist (one who didn't judge).  It's called Bodily Harm:  The Breakthrough Healing Program for Self-Injurers.

So the question comes - do I still cut?  Rarely.  The book Bodily Harm helped in many ways and I have been through a therapy called Dialectal Behavioural Therapy which has all but removed my desire/instinct, not sure what you call it, to cut myself.  In teaching me new skill in learning to cope with emotions I don't get to that level where I would want to harm myself.  I notice the signs of distress coming on and if I'm really being mindful will have done something to relieve the pain before we reach the cutting point.